Aside from wanting a dog just so that I can name it “Peeve”, I do have some real pet peeves. Tonight, I was introduced to a new one.

There’s just something severely annoying when trying to rush to a bathroom in a mall and having several mall vendors trying to chat with me as I walk by their booth. I was at the mall for several hours tonight and every time I passed by certain mall vendors, they nearly trampled me with conversation and their product, ‘Obviously I can’t tell that you are in a rush or that you have your children running ahead of you or that you are very eager to find the bathroom. However, all that aside, do you want to try this lotion? What phone do you have? Who’s your provider? Do you enjoy your plan? How much do you pay? Do you want to feel this lavendar-smelling pillow? Is your hair naturally curly? Do you straighten it? How long does it take? An hour and a half? Well, do you mind me straightening it in 5 minutes?’. Those last five questions were by the most annoying of them all. This one lady was still talking to me as I was about 25 feet from her and obviously in a rush while pushing a stroller.

Maybe it’s the fact that I have stranger anxiety or that I don’t like people acting like they are my best friend when I know they couldn’t care less about me or that I feel like I’m being used and trampled on just by giving them a platform for their speech. Maybe it’s that I don’t like my personal space invaded or that I don’t like offers to buy something that I was obviously avoiding anyway. Whatever the reason, they were, seriously, more annoying than telemarketers.

In “honor” of their rudeness, I give you J & J’s Possible Replies to Annoying Mall Vendors:

“I avoided eye contact with you for a reason.”

“Ever have kids? Obviously not. Try having some so that you can more effectively communicate to the people you are bugging to buy your product and when you realize how hard it is to be in a mall with three kids, get back to me.”

“If I wanted your product, I would have stopped to talk to you about it.”

“Sure, I’d love for you to straighten my hair in 5 minutes. You don’t mind if I pee in your chair, right?”

“You want to talk to me about your phones? Here, hold my screaming child and I’ll browse your selection for a while.”

“Oh, don’t mind my kids running down the mall aisle, far from me. Please talk to me for several hours while I ignore them and they get lost or kidnapped.”

“Let me start by saying that even if I was a millionaire or very interested in your product, I would NEVER buy it. Now, what do you want to try and sell to me?”