I used to be a volcano as a teen. No, not a *real* one… But I was a ball of angst just waiting for the opportunity to explode on someone. It was not pretty. I picked fights and fought and won and lost and was looking for a chance to give someone else the pain I’d been feeling for years. Subconsciously, I think I may have felt I was healing myself. I wasn’t. It only made life worse.

My home life growing up was also like this. Each one of my family members was a ticking bomb just waiting for the opportunity to wail on someone. We fought with each other, friends, strangers, anyone to get our mind off of our own pain and turmoil.

I gave my life to Jesus at the end of 1996. I’ve spent every year since, trying to reroute the anger I had, into compassion and empathy. I’ve had to come to an understanding about humanity that “they know not what they do”. I’ve had to remember that the decisions that people make are more about a spiritual warfare than a personal attack against me. It’s been twelve and half years since I’ve physically fought anyone, twelve and a half years since I’ve tailgated someone for miles after cutting me off on the freeway, twelve and a half years since drinking and drugging my anger away. Twelve and a half years of thinking that my anger was a sin.

I got angry last night. Truly angry. Angry to the point of tears and pulling off into a grocery store parking lot just so I could organize my thoughts into something coherent. So angry that I wished I had some Metallica blaring on my radio to headbang my mind into clarity. So angry that when I passed by a cop, I literally wished him to pull me over. What? I know, I have no idea where that thought came from. I seriously think the anger brought me back to a mentality from my teenage years, when getting pulled over was not only a fear but a thrill, a challenge to overcome.

Well, my wishful thinking came true. I was pulled over. I was so angry that when I passed by the cop, I didn’t notice him pull in behind me and stay there as we both were stopped in a turn lane. We turned and the red and blue lights came on. For a moment, a million thoughts engulfed my brain and panic swept over me. Was I in an area that I could pull over and still be seen by the rest of humanity if this cop tried to harm me or kill me, like *that* cop in California? Would he be like the cop that contacted one of my female family members to date her after he pulled her over? I’ve been taken advantage of WAY too many times to just be calm when needing to fall under the authority of some strange man on some dark road, alone, at night. It turns out my tags, and the insurance card I had, were expired. Thankfully, both were confirmed as being renewed.  However, that didn’t really calm the feelings that arose from the fact that I’ve been traumatized by men. Being put in that situation, out of my control and not as a result of anything I did, made me angry. Feeling like that and letting those feelings get the best of me, made me angry. Beyond what words could even illuminate.

I’m frustrated at things that came to light, last night, in our youth group. Angry that depression is so debilitating. Furious that the enemy is reminding me that he fought and won a battle with my friend sixteen years ago. Frustrated that people can speak to youth about the youth’s lives and when the word “you” is spoken to them, the speaker is looking at a clock. I’m irritated that I fell victim to thinking change is bad. I’m frustrated that I’m thinking the wall around my heart should be built up again, to protect me from more people in my life leaving and it causing me pain and to start over again in building relationships.

I’m tired of starting new in relationships. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I don’t like moving away, I don’t like people leaving. I’m realizing that I may embrace change, just not when it involves people. I want stability in relationships. I want stability in the lives of the youth that I mentor. I want stability in love and life.

I’m going to fight to bring that stability and sustain that stability. I refuse to lay down and surrender.

I’ve been a fighter my whole life. I’m just on the other side of that battle now.

The winning side.

“Run in such a way as to get the prize.”

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