I heard a song on the radio the other day and this lyric stuck out to me, “like a child, I’m afraid of the dark.” That was a mind-blowing statement to me. I wasn’t able to focus on the rest of the song and figure out who was singing or what else she was singing about. My brain exploded with relative stories. As an adult, it’s easy to think we aren’t childlike in our thinking anymore. It’s somewhat of a goal for adults to separate from childish ways of thinking, but this lyric made me realize we really do hold onto some of them.

For so many years, I’ve kept scary memories in the dark. Afraid of taking them out of their hiding places and seeing them for what they really are. Afraid that I’d be overwhelmed and buried. The pastor at my church once mentioned an impressive (as usual) parallel of what our fears really are, compared to what we see. He stated that the shadows we see, looming in the dark, look huge and powerful but when the light shines on those perceived fearsome objects, they aren’t nearly as large and scary as what we thought we saw.

Jase and I were talking the other night, about how amazing God/Jesus are in claiming darkness as evil and Light as good because, as with the spiritual realm, the physical world is similar.

How many people are afraid of the light?

Jase and I realized that when our children come into our room, crying because they are afraid of the dark, instead of telling them to go back and think about good and happy things, we need to just tell them to turn on the lights. If you’re afraid of the dark, expose the dark to the light. Expose your fear to the Light.

On Monday, I saw a counselor to talk about the trauma I endured as a child/teen. This is the first time I’ve talked to a counselor since I was fifteen and only the second time of talking to a counselor in all of my life. I’m NOT ok with that. I’m not proud to say that pride, guilt, fear and anxiety kept me from understanding and healing the pain I have attached to the trauma of my past. Nothing dramatic took place at this meeting, however, for this first time in my life I felt I was overflowing with hope that these painful, scary memories of my past will soon be at peace in me.

**sidenote**

This blog is a place of transparency for the strong/good times in my life, as well as the weak/bad times. I believe that sharing pain helps heal me and, hopefully, will help others heal and not feel alone (as I have always felt) in the pain they endure. It’s not easy for me to be so candid with such painful memories and share that I’m feeling weak but I believe it will make a positive difference. So, although I still feel I might keep particularly painful facts private, I will be sharing certain things I learn in these counseling sessions.

**end sidenote**

On Monday, with the counselor, I shared the trauma I’ve been through in my past and how it’s affecting me now. I shared how, even though I’ve been sexually abused many times, I’m having particular flashbacks and issues with one of the abuses. I was encouraged that 1.) I’m not alone and 2.) the stability I have in my life now and the fact that I’m having flashbacks are good news and will make the path of healing a little easier than just jumping into a covered up mess of trauma. I can’t explain the relief in knowing that the thoughts and actions I have as a result of the trauma and flashbacks are normal. What an amazing load off my shoulders to know I’m not alone and to know that I’m not incurable.

One piece of homework for the week was to “anchor in reality.” Meaning, I needed keep my thoughts from floating away in fear of the future. I have a problem with letting my fear-filled thoughts get the best of me. I get afraid of things (child abductions, death, cancer, any sort of trauma) that haven’t happened yet and probably won’t happen and sometimes that fear makes decisions that I wouldn’t have made if my thoughts were anchored in reality. When feeling my thoughts escape into the “what-if” realm, my homework was to reel them back in by comparing them to what was true in that particular moment. It was very helpful for me this week. I never realized how frequently my thoughts weren’t anchored in reality.

Next week, we get started on EMDR. I’m intrigued by this particular type of therapy and I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain any immediate effects on me but I know this approach will make a tremendous, positive difference in my healing.

Don’t be afraid of the shadows. When exposed to light, they are smaller than they appear to be.