I feel I’ve ran this train into the ground with speaking to humans so I’m gonna toss all of these thoughts into the web of the world and keep walking.

I’ve shared my love of, and issues with, singing – for years. More recently, the latter has been more of a conversational piece and it’s becoming quite the annoyance. I know there are more important things in the world besides whether I sing or not. I know people don’t give a rat’s ass what problems I go through in life and that my issues with singing are the least of their worries. Still, here I am pouring out my heart to the only one that will truly respond… my computer. 🙂

For the past two months, I’ve seen a vocal therapist. Long story short, I’ve had singing issues for the last year. Most recently, in the past several months, I’ve lost my high end and have had severe struggles when preparing to sing on a weekend at my church. After singing for a weekend, I end up with an extremely raspy / damaged voice. I saw a doctor and he saw vocal pre-nodules and directed me to a vocal therapist. She demanded I not sing for 2 months, while she worked with me and found that I have Muscle Tension Dysphonia. For the past two months, I’ve met with her about every 10 days and have only done vocalization exercises (besides desperately sneaking in some singing at church, which I suffer for later). These past two months have been filled with more *back and forth* decisions than I’ve ever faced in my life. Do I continue therapy or quit? Do I go back to singing at church or do I quit? Number one, I’m not a quitter. If so, I would have been dead long ago – many times over. Number two, singing is the closest thing I have to feeling God’s presence. It’s the most strange and beautiful and holy thing I have ever experienced. The thought of giving that up is a struggle in and of itself.

Tonight, I sang. I chose a song that I had severe difficulty reaching “high” notes on, a couple of months ago. I sang and then I cried. It was a miracle. Not only could I sing it, I felt amazing newness in my voice and in my throat… utilizing muscles and parts of my body that I didn’t even know I had a few months ago. It wasn’t perfection but I felt God with me, cloaking me in hope and comfort.

Maybe the time of me sharing songs is not over. I don’t know what capacity I’ll be using my voice but it’s a miracle to know it’s still around… able and ready.